The Realities of Being an Ex-Expat in the ‘Real World’

Having grown up as an expat in Asia, I have always considered myself one of the lucky few. The few who got to experience the international school system, weekend in Bali, school trip to Malaysia, and have a worldwide network of friends. When my family first moved to Australia in 2005 the idea that half my year group wasn’t going to leave at the end of the school year seemed mind-boggling. The idea that the supermarket would sell ‘normal’ food was exciting. That I might actually be able to settle somewhere, comforting.

What I didn’t anticipate was that the expat mentality had infiltrated me with force (and it does not involve settling!) I wasn’t equipped for joining the ‘Real World’ and, eight years later, I’m still not. Having spoken to other ex-expats, I have discovered that a lot of us feel the same way. Using my first-hand experiences, feelings, and conversations, (ie. absolutely no scientific research), I have tried to put this confusing ex-expat emotion into words. Hopefully other poor souls will realise they’re not alone…

1) The feeling of being torn between jealousy of people who grew up in one house with their extended family down the road, and relief that you didn’t grow up in one house with your extended family down the road. For expat kids, growing up alongside your cousins, weekly roasts at your grandparents house, and having a height chart on your kitchen door that tracks your every centimetre since 1992, seem like things out of a movie. On one hand, the notion of a ‘normal’ childhood seems like a dream, but on the other you would never swap your own childhood experiences for anything. Visiting over ten countries before you were a teenager, learning to count to one hundred in Indonesian before you could do it in English, living in lavish houses complete with maids, gardeners, guards, and drivers WAS a normal childhood. Right?!

2) Being unable to put down roots. For ex-expats, the inability to settle in one place comes par for the course. As much as you’d like to be able to settle down in one place and start placing those roots, there are just SO many countries to be explored! Four years of uni in one place would be unbearable without an international exchange and at least one international holiday per year.

3) Always wanting more. Once you know how much the World has to offer, how many people there are to meet, cities to see, cultures to experience, everyday life will never be enough. You’ll constantly be left wondering what else is out there, always waiting for the next adventure.

4) Subconsciously seeking out other expats. Chances are your best friends grew up as expats too. They ‘get you’ like others can’t. They don’t roll their eyes when every one of your stories starts with “Oh when I was in [insert exotic country here]…” (theirs do too), they understand when you decide to move across the World on a whim (they’ve done the same thing), and they’re experts at working a friendship with a ten hour time difference. Other expats are the flame to your moth. (And chances are you have crossed paths along the way. Expats completely understand the meaning of ‘it’s a small World’.)

5) Feeling lost. Picking a career path is hard enough, let alone trying to decide what country to do it in. This can be especially difficult when your main focus while job hunting is finding one that will give you the option to move overseas. (Because let’s face it, no ex-expat is ever truly done with expat life.) One of the hardest things about living in the Real World is that you are no longer defined by your expat status. Suddenly you’re just one of a large crowd, and that can feel, well, a bit shit. (Note: best to only discuss this with your other ex-expat friends because trying to explain to someone else that you don’t feel “special” any more makes you sound like a brat).

6) Your entire memory set is divided up by what country you lived in at the time. Or what school you were at, what house you lived in, or who your best friend was that year. It really is a convenient way of keeping track of the years – you can probably recall dates at the drop of a hat.

“The Iraq War started in 2003, I know because it happened while I was best friends with X.”

“The Bali Bombings? That was 2002 because I had just moved to X.”

7) Constantly seeking ‘home’. As an expat the notion of home was ever changing. Home A was wherever you were living that year, and Home B was whatever was written on your passport, despite the fact you left at the age of two, or had never lived there at all. You spend years desperate to find your true ‘home’, but never staying in one place long enough to do so. Having no idea where you belong in the World is a scary, overwhelming feeling. The only option? Travel, travel, travel, explore, and find your place.

As ex-expats, we might be a little bit lost, a little bit messed up, a little bit dissatisfied, and a lot nostalgic, but we truly are the lucky few. As nice as it would be to have the same set of friends you had in kindergarten, you have a couch to crash on in almost every city in the World and that’s way better. Take comfort in knowing that no matter where in the World you happen to be, you’re home.

L x

Feel free to comment with your own personal experience/feelings. Sharing is caring 🙂

Disclaimer: This is aimed at twenty-something ex-expats. My extensive research on the topic does not extend to ex-expats that have a home, a job, a family, and possibly even some roots. But you’re definitely not alone either.

Tags: expats, explore, home, home truths, life, lucky, nostalgia, reality, third culture kid, travel, traveller, world